This Is Not My Day
by Eternal Contradiction
Summary: Heero has a bad and very interesting day. It may have a guest appearance from Santa.
1. Shaving Cream & Rose Thorns

Hello and welcome to "This Is Not My Day" episode 50 of the great Gundam Wing show

Hello and welcome to "This Is Not My Day" episode 50 of the great Gundam Wing show. And now after you have seen a little section of my disillusioned mind I must say that I don't own Gundam Wing. If I did the first sentence would be true and I wouldn't have had to write the other sentences.

THIS IS NOT MY DAY

Heero stood looking out his window remembering his escapades of the day.He had finally given in to Duos pleading and threatening and decided to go to Relena's Christmas Eve party.The fact that he was going in the first place didn't matter.He liked to see what Duo would come up with to get him to go.The guy came up with some crazy antics, Heero considered letting Duo think he won this battle, a Christmas gift to him.

Seriously Heero wanted to see Relena, friend to friend.Maybe show her some of those feelings he hid deep, deep inside of him.A flick of emotion in his cobalt eyes, but no he would probably just make a fool of himself.That's exactly what he did too.Today just wasn't his day. 

**Flashback of Day**

************************************************************

Heero awoke that morning to something tickling his nose.When he reached up to scratch it he got shaving cream all over his face.

" Good morning Heero, I thought I would just help you get through one step of your morning.Now that you have the shaving cream on do you want me to shave you too, or will you get up?"

"Omae o korosu, Duo get out of my room now!"As Heero held his gun in his hand he felt it slip. Lets just say Duo's trick back_fired_.

"Ahhhhhhh… Heero, oh my God you almost killed me," Duo yelled.He started hyperventilating when he saw the bullet hole an inch from his head."Ah, I'm going to go now, bye."

Heero sighed and looked at the clock, 9:30 am.Oh well it could be earlier.Sitting in his bed he thought he heard something under it.When he jumped out of bed to investigate he slipped on some shaving cream and fell flat on his bottom.Of course this ruined his red silk pj's with the HY monologue on them.

As he was trying to get up a mouse ran from under his bed.Needless to say Heero was so surprised he wasn't watching what he was doing.Well the perfect soldier stepped on the shaving cream bottle (which Duo conveniently left on the floor) slipped, and fell again.He also brought the contents of his dresser with him.

The ruckus brought Wufie to investigate."Hey, Yuy!What's all the racket?This is injustice; a guy can't sleep around here… Ahhhh!"Wufie saw the mouse and fainted dead away, into the mess that was once Heero's floor.

After Heero splashed Wufie's face with enough water to drown him. (Adding to the chaos of the floor)Wufie was just showing signs of reviving when Quatre came running in the room.

" Ears, ears, I can't find my ears."Quatre yelled frantically as his foot met watered down shaving cream on Heero's hardwood floor.Quatre skidded along the floor and finally came to a stop.When he collided with Wufie's prone body and went flying on to Heero's bed.

Trying to steady himself Heero grabbed onto his blanket and lost his balance… again.This time bringing Quatre and all his sheets with him.This resulted in all three of them stuck under the now water and shaving cream logged sheets trying to get out.

Quatre started to yell, "Nobody move, you'll step on my ears.Oh my God we may have landed on him.Get up now!Wufie get up!Wufie?"

Wufie suddenly jumped up. Apparently just coming out of his little _snooze_.This resulted in tripping himself and falling on his comrades. Quatre was frantically searching for his ears as Wufie and Heero were struggling to get untangled from the sheets.Every time they almost succeeded a hysterical Quatre messed them up more.

This lasted quite a while until Trowa came to see what was going on.When he saw the problem he took one step in the room to help.His foot met with watered down shaving cream but of course Trowa didn't fall.He did one of his normally graceful acrobatic tricks out of the room… and collided with Duo who had the same intentions as Trowa.To find out what the reason for that infernal racket was.

It wasn't Duo's fault, or Trowa's that Heero's door was right outside a flight of stairs.In fact it would have been Relena's fault since they were staying at her house.Of course she couldn't of known of the fiasco that would happen when she gave Heero the room across from hers.Needless to say they were lucky the stairs had a landing half way down or Duo and Trowa would of broke more than a vase.Relena's favorite vase, which Pagan was carrying up the stairs at the moment.Poor Trowa spent the next half hour picking rose thorns out of his behind.

Meanwhile in Heero's room the mouse was finally found.When it ran up Wufie's leg, making him faint… again.A jubilant Quatre scooped up his lost ears and dragged the mouse and Wufie out of the room.

Heero sat in what was once his neat room and sighed.Then he noticed Relena looking out of her bedroom door across the hallway.She was rolling on the ground in laughter.

" How long have you been there?"

"The whole time Heero, the whole time," She got out between spasms of laughter."Oh and clean up that mess before breakfast, ok."She said as she walked away.Her laughter could be heard echoing down the hallway.

Until Milliardo yelled " Hey Heero do you have a tuxedo for tonight?"

Heero looked at his tuxedo, which was on the floor along with everything else.Today was going to be a long day.


	2. Bullet Holes & Orange Juice

This Is Not My Day

This Is Not My Day

Heero looked at his tuxedo on the floor and picked it up.He decided to try to dry it.While he was at it he grabbed some of the cloths on the floor to dry too.The load of clothes was cumbersome to maneuver down the flight of stairs.Heero figured the only thing to do was drop them over the rail of the stairs and pick them up when he got down.So he dropped them over the side, not looking down before he let go.He was to busy noticing Relena was walking into the hallway downstairs.

Poor Milliardo never had a chance, barely.As he saw the dark object descend on him he reacted the best he could.He whipped out his gun and shot it, many times. Just seconds before he was enveloped in darkness.

Heero ran down the stairs, grabbed his clothes and was in the basement before Milliardo could react. He could hear Relena, Duo, and Hilde laughing as he made it to the laundry room.Great not only Relena saw this disaster but Duo and Hilde who came in as Milliardo shot witnessed it as well.

He stuffed his clothes in the dryer and turned it on.Most dryers he had encountered were loud but this one barely made any noise.Soon he found out why.

"You know Heero your clothes may get drier faster if you turned it on instead of glaring at it," Cathy said.Heero shifted his glare to her.

"I turned it on."

"You didn't set the time on it." Cathy replied as she went over, set the time and turned it on.Heero continued to glare at her until she left.

Soon the dryer was done so Heero flung open the door.All the contents were white. "So I'll wear a white tuxedo," Heero said to himself as he held it up.A bullet hole went right through it's chest.Then he noticed something strange, it shrunk."Great it can't get any worse than this."

"Hey Heero!Have you had breakfast yet…?" Relena took one look at Heero's small white tuxedo with the bullet hole in it, turned and walked away.Her laughter could be heard as she went upstairs.

So he ruined his tuxedo, big deal.It could be worse.Wait this meant he would have to go shopping, definitely worse.He would figure out his plan of action later.Right now he had things to do, like eat and finish cleaning his room. 

Later, he saw Wufei being herded out of the house by Relena, Hilde, Dorothy, Cathy, Sally, and Noin.Wufei was struggling but the girls wouldn't let him go.

"I don't want to go to the mall.Get Heero to go with you.Not me!This is injustice, let go of me this minute onna." For his effort Wufie got a black eye. "I can't go now, I can't see properly, Heero can see perfectly."

"Fine Wufei I'll accompany the girls to the mall." Any other time Wufei would of got a second black eye but since he was heading to the mall anyway he may as well have some company.How long could it take?

In Relena's limousine the girls were talking about how much fun this was going to be.

"So what do you girls have to get?"

"Well, we have to get dresses, shoes and accessories for the ball tonight and some last minute Christmas shopping.You know how girls love to put things off."No, today definitely was not his day.

When they got to the mall the first thing the girls did was go to a dress boutique.Lucky for Heero they had tuxedos.He found several that he liked and tried them on.The girls who were participating in their own little fashion show stopped and watched him model his tuxedos.The girls had all found perfect dresses but he still hadn't found the perfect tux.There was something he didn't like about this.He could always slip away later and come back.

The next stop was a shoe store.The girls explained the whole point was to harass the clerk then decide on one of the first out of hundreds of pairs of shoes you tried on.Heero liked the thought of putting someone else in misery for a while so he decided to join in.

After pairs and pairs of shoes he couldn't find any to go with his non-existent tuxedo.When he noticed the girls were making their purchases he got up and left.Leaving the poor clerk among hundreds of shoeboxes.There was something he didn't like about this.He could always come back after he went to the dress shop.

They headed to the jewelry shop next.Heero watched as they all admired the selection of jewelry to go with their ensemble.Each girl picked out matching necklaces with stones the color of their dresses.Heero couldn't help noticing Relena was eyeing a gold necklace with a little angel pendant.The angel looked like it was holding a ruby stone.The blood red gem resting in the hands of an angel didn't seem appropriate to Heero.Little did he know that it reminded Relena of him.

Then they all decided to split up and go Christmas shopping. After they agreed to meet at the food court in an hour.Heero went back to the jewelry shop.This would be the perfect time to get his tuxedo but that was the farthest thing on his mind.He had to get that necklace for Relena.After he decided to get all the girls (including Relena) a charm bracelet and each of the guys a wallet. It was Christmas after all.There was something he didn't like about this.So he headed to the food court.

He sat next to Relena and dug into her french fries.

"Are they good Heero, considering I haven't had any ate any yet."Heero looked down at the plate of fries, well actually half a plate of fries.

"Mmm, vawy goood," he mumbled with his mouth full.

"Do you think you could buy me a new plate of fries?"

"No you already had a plate of fries.Look there's none left."

"Are you teasing me Heero?Hey Dorothy, Sally, I think Heero may have a sense of humor."

"Congratulations Heero, never thought you had it in you," Dorothy said as she slapped Heero on the back.The only problem was he was just taking a drink of Relena's orange juice.The juice fell all over his lap.

Heero stood up quickly trying to avoid the stream of liquid, to no success.

"Hey guys what's going on?Sorry we're late" Catherine, Hilde, and Noin came over to the table."Heero it looks like you…," They burst out laughing in unison.By this time Relena, Dorothy and Sally had started laughing too.

"What are you laughing at?" 

Suddenly from across the crowd of people in the food court someone yelled,"Look, there's a guy over there who peed his pants."

Heero sat down, quickly. Right in a puddle of the remaining orange juice.How was he supposed to get out of this one?Today just wasn't his day.

!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!

Hi, I'd really like anyone who has read this story to r&r it. I don't mind flames, my friend psychognomes and I could really use some entertainment. The continuation of this will be posted on my website [www.geocities.com/relenafanel/][1] at the same time I enter it here. If you really want to read it (which I'm really sure you don't give a hoot) it will be put on the website too. I had a really cool disclaimer to put on here but I lost it so are you ready for this it only comes once…. I DON'T OWN GUNDAM WING. Now tell me, how can you miss seeing that? E-mail me at [relenafanel@hotmail.com][2]. If you think this story is great, read _Must I Kill You?_It has more romance between H&R than this and it's still funny.It was previously called Vampires… not that you care.

Thanks

Eternal Contradiction 

Ohhhh and if you like CCS I have a new story out for that.Read it please!!!!

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/relenafanel/
   [2]: mailto:relenafanel@hotmail.com



	3. Sanitary Boxes & Clown Pants

This is Not My Day 3

This is Not My Day 3

After the incident in the food court Heero was lucky to get out of the mall alive.The girls all bustled him to the bathroom, each one surrounding him.They made it through the door when Heero realized girls weren't aloud in the boy's bathroom.A group of 6 girls would surely be noticed going in.A group of 6 girls and a guy wouldn't be noticed going into the female bathroom.

Heero, poor guy had to spent 15 minutes in the girls' bathroom while Catherine and Dorothy went to buy him a new pair of pants.

`Why do girls have little garbage cans in their stalls?` Heero wondered as he opened the lid to throw out his gum.What Heero saw horrified him.He bolted out of the stall and past the girls.He made it out of the bathroom and into the food court before he realized what he was doing.

People started to stare at the poor guy who had wet his pants and bolted out of the girls' bathroom.Chasing after him were 4 girls.They grabbed him and dragged him back in.

Some loudmouth from the crowd yelled "I wonder why that guy wet his pants?If I was locked in a bathroom with 4 pretty girls I wouldn't be so scared that I'd wet my pants."

"Ya I'd make the most of the situation, I'd be out of those wet…ahhh." Loudmouth number 2 broke off in a scream as Heero pointed a gun at him.

"Now who has wet his pants?" Loudmouth number 1 yelled to number 2.He was glad Heero took care of it or he would have had to beat the guy up for insulting the girls like that.Duo turned to Wufei who had taken out his sword."Hey, don't decapitate the guy,Heero took care of it.I wonder what happened to him.It's not like Heero to have an _accident." _

Heero was fuming, not only had that second idiot insulted the girls but the first one sounded very familiar…Duo.The sound of a sword being drawn sounded remarkably like Wufei…. Nah, it couldn't be, could it?

Well Heero got his pants, they were a couple of sizes to big but that's ok, they were cheap.

"Heero, we had some trouble finding pants in your size on the budget you gave us.You can't find very many pairs of pants for under 5 dollars."

"That's fine. Does anyone have a belt I could wear?" Heero said while holding his pants up.

"I do," Hilde said while taking her belt off."It's pink, but it should do the trick."She said as she handed it to him.Heero looked down at the pink belt with the huge pink plastic buckle.

He put it on and discovered it was a bit too small for him.It was quite tight so there was no chance for his pants to fall off.

As he walked he realized his pants were to short for him.Unfortunately for him he had to borrow green and yellow checked socks since all of his were wet or shrunk.

So here he was, walking through the mall with clown socks, pants that didn't fit, and a pink belt. Could it get any worse?

POP

Looking down he prayed that wasn't what he thought it was. It wasn't, it was worse. There on the floor laid the pink buckle off of his, Hilde's belt.He looked around, no one seemed to notice.Hilde and Relena were off to the side talking. He bent over to pick up the buckle…

RIP

Somehow he had bust the seam in the back of his pants.Now everyone was watching him! He carefully picked up the buckle, pretending nothing happened.As he stood up the inevitable happened since his belt is now unattached and his pants split in two.

GRAVITY WORKS!!

Heero had to gingerly bend down again to pick up his pants.Everyone watching got a good view of his black boxers with little red hearts and scythes.Of course these were borrowed too, from Duo.

From the crowd of people watching Heero you could hear, "Well at least my underwear is sturdy."Everyone looked at Heero and started mumbling about how great of a ventriloquisthe was.Heero or the girls weren't fooled.They knew the voice belonged to Duo.

Heero decided to scrap the pants and walk around in his boxers.He went years wearing spandex shorts so why not boxers for an afternoon?Why was it he gave up shorts again?

As he walked out the door he remembered. Snow, cold, brrr, it was all he could do to remain expressionless.It looked like the limo was parked miles away.It could be worse, he could of lost his boxers too. Of course they were kind of damp and were starting to freeze.

He made it to the limo and was nice and warm inside. That's when it hit him.He didn't get a tuxedo. There was something he didn't like about this. He enjoyed shopping way too much.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$

Here's my witty disclaimer… are you ready?I don't own Gundam Wing.Why is that so funny you ask?Well I'm pathetically obsessed with it.Review this… please. *Begs*Well no I'm not really that materialistic. I also have this great story called Must I Kill You?So, would you please read that… It's funny and it has H+R in it.

Thank you for reading one of Eternal Contradiction's stories.

Coming soon is a cardcaptor Sakura series.If this interests you keep an eye out for it.


	4. QT & The Ladders

This Is Not My Day

This Is Not My Day

  
  


There were no more unpleasant surprises for Heero for a while; unless you count being bombarded by snowballs when he stepped out of the limo. If there weren't so many people around *cough* Relena, *cough* He would have taken out his gun and used the snowballs for target practice.

As the day went on he was partially enjoying it. The smell of pine cones, people scurrying around like insects, Christmas food being cooked; even the perfect soldier could appreciate this season. Milliardo came up to him; his expression of extreme dislike was less severe than normal. Could he have come up with some new sort of torture tactic?

I'm only being pleasant to you because of the holidays. So Heero, do you have a suit for tonight?

No, I'll borrow one from someone. Heero, who isn't one to say more than needed felt compelled to defend his simple answer of no.'

Good, I have the perfect suit for you. I'll give it to you right before the ball. Milliardo promised as he walked away with a grin on his face.

I wonder what he's grinning about. This could be trouble.' Just at that moment Relena and Quatre ran in to the room.

Heero, the caterers are finished setting up the food. You must see the ballroom. Relena grabbed his hand and ran across her mansion. Half way to the ballroom the wing zero pilot started to wonder if everyone underestimated the shape Relena was in. She wasn't even winded, and he calculated the length of her castle to be a kilometer long. He and Quatre weren't tired, but of course they were Gundam pilots.

As they shuffled to a stop just inside the door, Duo, Trowa, and Wufei were hanging expensive looking red and green silk streamers from the pillars. Duo was getting ready to hammer a nail when QT, Relena's terrier, ran under his ladder, causing him to drop his hammer.

Heero noticed the hammer, which was about to land on his head. He nimbly stepped out of the way. He was home free, no accidents were caused by this, he thought as he turned around, and ran smack into Trowa's ladder.

Trowa, who was hanging a streamer on a nail, was knocked off his ladder and swung on the streamer as if it was some sort of circus act. For a moment he thought he was at the circus, that's why he didn't notice Wufei. If not lost in his dream world, Trowa could have gracefully jumped off the dangling ribbon.

Wufei looked up to see a bird like creature descending on him. Reacting to the vulture like figure, he whipped out his sword and swung at it's beak. Missing his target, the streamer was cut instead. This caused Trowa to fall on top of him, and they both fell into the unknown below.

It wasn't unknown to those who were watching beneath. It was the beautiful, just finished, table of food, filled with yummy treats the caterers just made. It took a split second for the head caterer to produce the bill and run to his van.

Relena stood on a chair and told everyone to salvage what they could. Duo scrambled over to Trowa, picked a jelly-filled pastry off his shirt, and popped it in his mouth. 

No, Duo, I mean for the guests to eat. Then we'll have to figure out a way to cook replacements for what we couldn't salvage ourselves.

The maguanacs could do it. Everyone pictured 40 maguanacs cooking flaky, delicate, pastries and finger foods, and was immediately against the idea.

That's a great idea, Quatre. Relena went on, The streamers still have to be put up. Do you suppose they could do that tooooo She was cut off as QT ran under the chair she was standing on, knocking it over.

Heero, realizing what was happening, lunged to save Relena from certain disaster. He tripped over Duo, who was munching on ruined food, and fell to the floor. Relena then landed on top of him. She wasn't exactly a dead weight but then she wasn't exactly dead either. She was just stunned as her hard head hit Heero's even harder head.

A bit flushed, she rolled off Heero and made her way out of the room, mumbling about Tylenol and a nap. Instead of going around a ladder that was in her way, she flung it across the room and stalked into the hall.

From under the ladder Wufei grumbled about crazy, weak onnas, who didn't know their own strength. 

Konnichiwa minna-sama, this is chapter 4 of This Is Not My Day. Please read and review it. If you like this I have two other stories out. One is GW, called _Must I Kill You_? The other is Card Captor Sakura, and it's called _Shadow Man, The Dawn_. I may also be putting a CCS story up called _Clow Tablet_s, or something to that effect.


	5. Chocolate Thief & Self-Help Books

This Is Not My Day; 5 mike anderson Normal mike anderson 2 115 2001-11-05T20:49:00Z 2001-11-09T01:19:00Z 4 1138 6488 me 54 12 7967 9.3821 

This Is Not My Day; 5 

The Chocolate Caper & Self-Help Books

Walking past the kitchen Heero could hear the maguanacs arguing about what kind of paste to put on the finger food, and the kind of filling to put in the pitite-fores. 

"You cretin!   This should not have pickles in it."

He wondered when they had developed bad French accents.   Someone was taking their job a bit to seriously, but then he shouldn't talk.   He walked up the stairs and looked in on a sleeping angel.   Relena's hair was fanned out around her head causing a sleeping beauty like effect.   Satisfied that she was safe he hoped her headache was gone.

He kept walking down the hall.   He peered in Duo's open door and noticed a box of chocolates on the bed.   It seemed to be bathed in golden light, not unlike the cherub down the hall.   He felt himself being drawn towards it.   The chocolate seemed to be beckoning him.   Eat me Heero, eat me; Duo will never know.

Snatching the box off the bed, he ran into the hall.   Seeing Duo coming up the stairs and Trowa coming out of his room down the hall, he dove through the nearest door.

Trapped in the darkness he heard Duo's door closing.   There was a second long pause before Duo's feet came trampling out into the hall.

"Where are the chocolates Wufei gave me for Christmas?   I bet he stole them back."   Someone screeched then came the sound of a body falling to the floor.

"Sorry Trowa, I didn't mean to run into you.   I didn't mean to hit you so hard either, I thought you were Wufei coming after me with his sword again.   You know if you cut your hair you wouldn't have a blind spot the size of Canada.   By the way, have you seen the chocolates Wu-man gave me?"

*Silence*

"I'll take that as a no.   Just as well, Wufei probably poisoned them or something.   I wouldn't trust that guy to give a gift willingly."   Heero swallowed a chocolate covered cherry.   He then realized he was eating the candy Duo was talking about.

Choking, he looked around the linen closet for a place to spit out the chocolate.   He dove into a pile of dirty blankets to muffle his coughing.

"Trowa, did you hear something?"   Duo asked a very still Trowa.   Getting the typical answer he went over to the nearest door to investigate.   Ignoring the coughing blankets and linen his eyes went straight to a bit of gold sticking out from the laundry.

"My chocolates!" he exclaimed as he grabbed the box.   Heero reluctantly let go of it, lest he was caught.   Duo slammed the closet door, leaving Heero in darkness again.

"I found my chocolates Trowa, Duo the detective is back in action!   I bet someone hid them in there so they could come back and eat them later.   I'm going to wait here all night to catch the thief, or until I get hungry, or the party has started.   I'll catch him!   Come on Trowa, we'll hide in your room.   Trowa?   Trowa?   Hey Trowa, are you asleep?

(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)&(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)&(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)&(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)

Heero sat alone in his dark prison, trying to figure out how to leave without detection.   The minute he went into the air duct alarms would go off.   Maybe he shouldn't have made his high-tech security system as complex.   There was no way in or out of any room without triggering an alarm somewhere.

Wasn't he a genius!

Outside there was a commotion and someone yelled, "Dang it Duo!   I didn't steal your chocolates! Why would I, Wufei gave me a box too.   I'm going into the linen closet for some linen.   That's what the linen closet is for!"

The light snapped on and the door was slammed shut.   From outside came a scream of pure torture.

Relena sighed and let Duo's braid out of the door.   Heero stood up in the back of the room.   She turned around and her face became one of pure shock

"We're out of clean towels."

Heero snuck up behind her and placed his hand over her mouth and the other one around her waist.   She bit his finger and elbowed him in the stomach.

"Hey Perfect Soldier, why do I even bother protecting you?   You seem to be doing a good job yourself." He grumbled.

"Heero?   Oh my goodness, you scared me.   Why are you sneaking up on me in the linen closet? Why are you being so sarcastic today and why are you even in the closet?"

"I'm having a bad day."

"That's crazy, your day's been fine.   Lets see; you're room got messed up a bit, you ruined your tuxedo, you peed your pants…"

"It was orange juice."

She continued,   "You lost your pants, and you tripped Trowa on his ladder.   Ok, so your day's been bad, that doesn't explain why your in a closet."

"Chocolate."

"You're the one who stole Duo's chocolate!"  She started to laugh at him.   What a terrible punishment.

"You know Duo won't let you in or out of this room.   Why don't you go through the air duct?   Oh, that's right HACK is turned on.   It's your own fault Heero."

He stared at her; she was still slightly laughing at him.   Her bright smile and twinkling eyes made his lips turn up slightly.

"You're going to get me out."

She looked at him, her head at a questioning tilt.

"What do you have in mind?"

He outlined the plan to her.   She smirked at him.   It looked like she was taking on some of his better personality traits.

"That sounds like a great idea.   It's almost as good as eating stolen chocolates in a linen closet."

(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)&(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)&(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)&(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)(~*~)

Relena sauntered away from the linen closet, and passed Duo and Trowa.   She smiled and continued walking downstairs.

While Duo was inspecting Relena for any traces of chocolate Trowa slowly got up from his seat and tried to sneak away.   Duo turned around and pushed Trowa back into his seat.   Busted!

"You know something Trowa, I don't think it was Relena.   She doesn't look like the type to eat someone else's food, since I don't think she even eats all of her own food."

Trowa sighed and picked up his book; it seemed like he might be stuck there for a while.

Suddenly Relena ran up the stairs and over to Duo. 

"Guess what!   Quatre wishes you to go downstairs and taste test the food; after all, no one knows cuisine like you do."

Duo's face lit up like the fake little Christmas tree twinkling in his room.   He ran off, tripped and fell down the stairs.   Calling up that he was all right he kept running. 

Trowa looked up from his book and nodded to Relena.

"Duo wasn't needed, was he?"

"No, how could you tell?"

Trowa nodded towards Heero sneaking out of the closet with a sheet over his head.   As he tip-toed by Trowa stuck his foot out and tripped him

Heero got up before he was even done falling.   He ran, sheet and all, into a nearby bathroom.

A woman screamed 'perverted ghost' as Heero ran out and back into the linen closet.   A second later he came walking out minus the sheet.

He acknowledged Trowa and Relena as he walked by.

"Heero," Trowa muttered from his book.   Relena was busy trying not to laugh to great him properly.   Heero continued to walk to his room.

"His idea." Trowa stated.

"All his, why did you trip him?"

"The book said to."

Reading the cover she looked at him questioningly. "' Most Popular Circus Tricks'  What are you in, the clown section."

"It's just a cover.   The book is called, 'Anger Management When Dealing With A Trickster, And How to Fight Back.'"

"That's quite a title."   She grabbed the book from his hand and started to read it out loud.

"*Step 3* Act like the trickster.'   You know something Trowa; I don't think Duo would have tripped Heero.   He would have been to busy laughing at him.   It wasn't very nice."   The effect of her scolding was ruined when she burst out laughing.

"I had to put up with Duo all afternoon because of Heero."   Trowa shrugged. 

"Will you let me borrow that book sometime?"   He nodded his consent as he went back to reading.


	6. Enter Santa Clause & Wing Zero Laugh

This Is Not My Day; 6

Enter Santa Clause

As you passed through the bedroom section of the palace you could hear an assortment of sounds coming from various rooms.

The girl were running in and out of each other's rooms borrowing missing items, helping each other, and just having a fun time getting ready.

Duo was sitting on his bed eating chocolates and reading an antique book Relena had suggested he read.   She was one of the only ones who knew his passion for literature.   This Harry Potter guy was funny, so much different from the serious books he liked, but you could only read War and Peace so many times. 

Quatre was lending the girls a hand by holding open a page in a fashion magazine for Catherine.   She was trying to do a professional style for Sally by looking at the picture.   Once in a while Quatre would make and accurate suggestion and the girls would marvel over his great eye for hairstyles. 

Trowa had finished his book on how to trick a trickster and was now trying to find as many practical jokes as he could fit into the pockets of his tuxedo.   Would he and the people surrounding him ever have an interesting night.

Wufei was busy hand washing his silk traditional Chinese robes.   It wasn't his fault they were a bit stained he grumbled as he scrubbed.   Why couldn't that onna have brought them to the dry-cleaner's along with her dress?

Finally we come to the last occupied room of the house.   It seemed a little argument was going on.

"I refuse to wear that."

"It's the only suit I have available for you."   Milliardo said with a grin.

"I will not wear that monstrosity."

"Come on, Relena's expecting someone to wear it."

Heero grabbed the suit and walked out grumbling.   He stalked past Wufei who was up to his eyebrows in bubbles.   He made a mental note to stay away from Trowa who was squirting a plastic flower at the mirror.

A group of girls almost trampled him into the plush carpet as they pulled Quatre into the next room.   Heero glared at Duo who was finishing off a box of chocolates and laughing while saying "He stuck the wand up its nose."

Heero slammed the door to his room.   All the noise stopped for a moment and everyone stared at the door before going back to their various activities. 

Heero opened his laptop and after about an hour of intense typing Relena popped her head in the room.   Heero slammed the top of his laptop down on his hand.

"Heero, remember that remarkable French twist you put my hair in last year?   Could you do it again?

Heero didn't really know what a French twist was.   He just recalled that he had accidentally knocked down her hair last year and tried to put it back up.   He had been too distracted by how silky her long blond hair was, and how great it smelled.

He inhaled; it still smelled like cherry blossoms.   She sat on the edge of his bed and handed him a brush.   He didn't know how he did it, with her sitting on his bed and his hands in her hair, but he finally got her tresses up into some kind of fashion. 

She looked in the mirror she had in her hand.   "You know something Heero, this style is very fragile.   If one of these pins fell out the whole thing would collapse." 

He looked at the atrocity he had created with her beautiful hair and tried to pull it out.

She evaded his hands and walked out the door.   He hoped she wasn't thinking of going to the dance with her hair looking like that.

"Hey Jousan."

*Bang*

"Oh no!   My hair fell down when you bumped into me.   I'll have to go put it back up."

"I didn't do it… you just pulled out a pin…"

*Snap*

"Ow, why did you kick me!"

Duo opened the door and hopped in.

"That girl's starting to act like you, she keeps hurting me.   Did you see her hair?   It looked like an owl was sitting on her head."

Heero glared at him.

"So did you get that suit from Milliardo yet?"

Heero kept glaring.

Duo was unfazed by the ice bullets being shot at him and walked over to Heero's closet.   He cringed at the row of green tank tops, then jeans, jackets, and finally different tops.   He found a black turtle neck and made a mental note to borrow it.   Smashed in the back of the closet was a tuxedo bag.

He lugged it out and opened the zipper.   He blinked in surprise and dropped the suit.

Heero took his glaring up a notch and was now turning Duo into an ice sculpture.

Duo looked from the suit to Heero and back again.

"Well it certainly isn't your color."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Relena and Milliardo were downstairs ready to great the guests who were politicians and their families.   Relena turned to her brother.

"Did you find a tuxedo for Heero?"

Milliardo seemed to think this was funny.   "Yes, and he'll make a great Santa."

"You made him Santa?   Are you nuts?   He'll scare all the children, and if any of them sit on his lap he'll glare at them until they start to cry and wet themselves.   If any of them actually get to the point of telling him what they want for Christmas he'll probably tell them that Santa doesn't bring things to spoiled children and to go ask their parents."

"So it wasn't a good idea?"

"No!"

"I kind of liked the part where they wet themselves."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Alright Heero, I'll help you become a great Santa."

"That's all I need right now."

"First you must have a jolly laugh, 'hohoho,' now you try."

"HoHoHo."

  Duo crawled out from under the bed.

"That was the scariest jolly laugh I have ever heard.   You're going to make the kids to wet themselves, that's the last thing you want when they are on your lap.  Try again."

"HohoHo"

"Ummm… no.   It was a bit better, maybe if you tried smiling at the same time."

Heero smiled. "HohoHO."

"Oh good God!   That was incredibly frightening.   That's where the zero laugh went to, you'll have the parents wetting themselves too if you do that.   It's got to be warmer, think of Relena when you do it, and not killing her either.

"Hohoho."

"It's just stopped being scary, now it's just pathetic.   You need some emotion in it."

A few minutes later;

"If you make me ho ho ho one more time I'm going to stick this padding up your…"

"Now Heero, that's no way for Santa to act."   Quatre said from the door.   "I just stood here and listened to your jolly laugh go from diabolical to snarling.   What you're missing is Christmas spirit.

Duo snapped his fingers.   "Let's sing carols."   They started off in a spirited rendition of Silent Night.   By the time the second verse came up not only was Heero singing but the other two had stopped to listen to him.

As Heero finished off the last bar Quatre and Duo were wiping tears out of their eyes.

"That was beautiful, I didn't know you could sing like that.   Do you feel more like Santa now?"

"Santa's a fat old cheerful man who wears red pajamas and visits little kids at night after watching them all year.   He sounds perverted and a bit out of it.   And he never gave me the Wing Zero I wanted for Christmas last year."

Heero glowered at the wall.   Duo always said that was Heero's form of crying, and the closest thing to tears you would get out of the stoic soldier.

Wufei knocked on the door and Duo told him to come back later because Heero was crying.   Wufei muttered something about having to see that and pushed his way into the room.

"He's not crying, he's glaring at the wall."   Heero turned his gaze towards him.  "Now he's glaring at me; it's un-nerving *cough* I mean injustice."

"He's just irritated because he didn't get his Gundam for a gift last year."

"He didn't either.   Nakatu, where are you?   Did you fall off of Santa's sleigh?"

  Duo looked at Quatre, Quatre met his eyes.   "I didn't ask for my Gundam last year, did you?"

"No of course not, that would be foolish."

Neither of them missed the unmistakenable tears in each other's eyes, yet neither of them mentioned it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hi *shameless self-commercial begins* Do you have a good hilarious Gundam wing story?   Then why not submit to my site http://www.geocities.com/relenafanel/index.html or to go directly to the submission page http://www.geocities.com/relenafanel /submit.html   Yay! End of site promo.

I don't own Gundam Wing, but I do own an unhealthy obsession for it.   I wonder if I could sue and get money off of it. 


	7. Trowa's Folly & Santa Exposed

This Is Not My Day; 7

Trowa's Folly &  Santa Exposed

All the guests had finally arrived with no incidences.   Unless of course you count the man who had turned up drunk and had tried to seduce a coat tree.   Milliardo had kicked that guy out so fast that no one even knew he had come… and never would know because it turns out the man wasn't even invited.

The children were all snuggled up next to the fire; all were waiting for Santa to come, joy showed on all their faces.   Relena was also waiting for Santa to come, with a look of anxiety on her face.   She had been dreading this moment since she heard who Santa Clause was.

Then he practically pranced down the stairs while 'Hohohoing' at the same time.   He flopped down in the Christmas chair that had been holding Santa for generations.

The leg cracked at a weird angle and the whole chair collapsed.

Santa couldn't seem to be able to get up; all his padding was keeping him anchored to the ruins of the chair.   Relena cringed and waited for the swearing to begin.

It didn't come.   Santa was 'Hohohohohing' again.    Relena cautiously opened her eyes to find that Santa was taking kids on his lap while on the floor.

A larger child all but flopped on Santa's lap.   Santa jumped up, still not swearing, and picked a splinter out of the seat of his cheery red pants.

Santa was done giving out gifts and started to help parents put their children to bed or in the room already set up for them to play in.   Relena raised an eyebrow as she scanned the room.   Heero could never have been that calm through that ordeal, something was up.

She felt a slight breeze flutter the back of her hair.   Her heartbeat sped up a bit… it was a sure sign.

"Heero?"   She turned to find him sitting behind her.  He was wearing a tuxedo that was a bit to small at the cuffs, but otherwise fit perfectly.

"Who did you con into being Santa this year, Duo?"

She looked over at the buffet line to find Duo standing in line with a look of concentration upon his brow.

"Quatre."

"Poor Quatre, he was Santa last year and swore never to do it again.   Did you know some kid bit his nose?"

Silence.

"He'll never do it again, between last year and this year he'll be scared for life… literally.   So, how'd you get him in that suit?"

"I stuck a gun in my vast waistband."

  Duo came bounding up, balancing four plates piled with food.   He set them all in front of himself and started to eat.   When he saw the looks on his friend's faces, Relena's look of awe and Heero's superglare, he pushed a platter towards them.

"Here you guys can share this, I dropped half of it on the floor but…" *shrugs* 

"Gee, Duo, you're all heart, but Heero and I could never ask you to give up some of your food."   Relena said a bit dryly.

Duo looked at the two.   "So has Heero told you how he got out of being Santa?   I noticed you were sitting on the edge of your seat all evening.   Thinking of going to sit on Santa's lap?"

Relena glared.

"Wait till you hear this!"   Duo starts to tell the story.

"We were trying to teach Heero to be Santa.   Needless to say he sucked at it, man was he hopeless.    Then Heero grabbed a gun, put it in his waistband and said.

"I will get rid of all these annoying men who touch, or even talk to Relena.   No one would ever suspect it of the man in the red suit.   I shall avenge my sweet angel."

Heero glared.   He then turned to Relena.   "You know I didn't say that right?"

Quatre then knocked Heero out, stole the suit and said heroically that he wouldn't let those children be traumatized for life.   The whole thing was beautiful. 

Quatre came up behind Duo.   "Heero happily gave me the suit, there was no need for violence."

Duo looked slightly hurt.   "But Heero did say he would kill all of Relena's suitors, right?"

Quatre looked thoughtful for a moment.   "I believe he said, 'someone's going to die tonight.'  Then he started to grumble about it being his personal mission to shoot the person who made the Santa suit."

Duo looked triumphant.   "See, he did say he would kill Relena's suitors."

Multiple sweatdrops among the people at the table.

Across the room Wufei was having problems of his own.   He had decided to stay with the sanest person this evening.   He was currently questioning his judgment of sane as he downed another glass of champaign.

He had thought Trowa would do nothing all evening but watch the babes.   That was something he could live with, he thought as he grabbed another glass of wine and took a sip/gulp.

But noooooo…   He had just watched 'the sane one' play every practical joke available.   From the whoopee cushion under the Prime Minister's seat cushion to spiking the punch with so much liquor that one drink could knock you out, Trowa was on a roll.

That was why he was standing here drinking glass after glass of anything but punch.   He decided it was best to stay on Trowa's good side, or at least by his side, someone had to keep an eye or two on him.   Wufei was becoming incredible nervous around unibangboy this evening… he was even worse than the braided baka.

Why was he worse?   It was because he showed no emotion, except for a brief flash of smugness now and then, all evening.   You could never tell when he had or would strike.   It was damn scary.

Wufei grabbed another drink.   A woman slipped on the floor in front of them and they caught a flash of her underwear.

That would be another reason for staying with Trowa, girls fell at his feet.

Meanwhile Sally and Hilde had joined Heero, Relena, Duo, and Quatre.   Quatre still hadn't taken off his Santa suit yet and was now sweating buckets, despite the environment he had grown up in.

He excused himself to go get a drink of punch.   He got up to go to the refreshment table and joined Catherine and Dorothy in a drink.   After downing a glass or two he finally felt a bit cooler.

He toasted the girls and they went to sit at a nearby table.   The glasses somehow kept being replenished.

"You know what would be funny, if we went and made Relena and Heero kiss."  Catherine giggled.

"So Heero could shoot us dead, no.  You know what would be funnnnnnnny?   It would be funny if Santa boggied on the dance floor."

"No way!" Quatre slurred.   "It would be funnier if he stripped on this table."

They drank a bit more until Quatre stood up and declared, "I am Santa."

Relena, at her table, had just got finished saying how well Quatre handled himself as Santa that evening when a large red jacket landed in Duo's four replenished plates of food.   She stood up and scanned the room while Duo was choking on a chicken bone.

A few tables away was Quatre, the girls were helping him take off his stomach padding while shouting, "Go Santa! Oh Santa!"

Trowa looked across the room.   He finally showed emotion, but not the emotion Wufei wanted.   Trowa looked mad, no down right pissed off.   "What the heck is she DOING?" 

Quatre started to swing the padding around his head in the air.   He let go of it and knocked Milliardo in the back of the head.

Milliardo had been blissfully unaware of stripping Quatre (even though Noin had been following the sight from the beginning) until his head was pushed into his bowl of soup, where he almost drowned.

Wufei responded to Trowa's bellow.   "I believe she's helping Santa strip, but don't worry I'm sure your sister has more sense than to do anything with him."

"I'm not talking about my sister!"   Wufei decided to keep silent about this one.

One of the girls was now on the table, standing behind Quatre, running her hands up and down Quatre's lean hard stomach.

Milliardo saw red.   Not only had that jackass Yuy made his sister fall in love with him, but now he was breaking her heart while he danced on it while stripping.

Quatre's top was now off and being held in some fainted woman's hands.

The women around stared awestruck.   Some started to sigh.   Relena and Hilde were among these few.   The guys glared at them.

"What?   I never knew Quatre was soooooo hot."

Quatre jumped to a nearby table just as Milliardo lunged at him, tripped over Noin's foot, and fell on the table.   The table collapsed under Milliardo's weight, even though it had just held up Quatre and his entourage for like five minutes. 

Quatre let go of his pants just as the leg caught fire.   It started to burn everything on the table.   Quatre was still obliviously shaking his tushy, wearing only his little Christmas boxers, Santa hat and a fake beard.

Someone grabbed the bowl of punch, the only nonflammable liquid in the vicinity, and threw it on the burning table, just as Quatre stepped off.   The table went up in a mini explosion and Quatre skipped out of the room with several women following him, flames danced on the little pompom on his hat.


	8. After Party & Slick Operators

This Is Not My Day ch8

~#~Just to recap, though I would rather you read it yourself (come on, Quatre stripping was awesome) Quatre just ran out of the room, his pompom blazing, only wearing underwear.    Milliardo thought Quatre was Heero and challenged him to show his face~#~

            Heero picked up a near-by dinner roll and threw it at Milliardo's head.   It bounced of and hit Duo, who was still looking at the punchbowl in his hands in total amazement.   Milliardo spun around; his fist still balled from shaking them at Mr. Stripper aka who he thought was Heero.   Heero didn't appreciate everyone thinking he was the stripper and decided to make his presence known.   

            Milliardo was too infuriated to think for a moment and attacked Heero right as soon as he saw him.   A couple more moronic people wondered how he got his clothes back on so fast.   Heero stood his ground and got ready to fight Relena's brother.    Trowa stood in the background with anime-flames dancing around his fang-clad head.    Wufei was slowly edging his way out of the vicinity.

            A group of women stumbled in the room grasping shreds of Christmas underwear.    Milliardo punched Heero in the nose/missed him completely.    Relena yelled at them not to fight in front of the guests.   It seems she was getting angry at her two favorite males.

An inebriated Wufei stumbled into the reindeer display and thought one of then was Nakatu.    As he tried to climb into his "Gundam" Relena stepped between her brother and her love.    Milliardo didn't notice the small blonde in front of him and tried to hit Heero again, instead he got Relena in the stomach.

On pure instinct, or maybe it was the private training Heero was giving her, Relena retaliated by hitting her brother in the eye.    He went down like an inexperienced skier and stayed there.    His eye immediately started to swell, and the group broke into a chaotic babble of opinions. 

Hilde grasped Duo's arm and begged him to do something.   Duo was still staring at the punch bowl in shock and anger.   He had not spiked the punch!    He was almost sure of it.

"Hilde babe, someone spiked the punch!"

"Who cares Duo, so you didn't do it first.    It's not a big deal."

"I could have killed Quatre, or whoever it was on that table."

"I think Quatre could have survived the heat, he grew up in the desert for heaven sakes.    You need to think of something to help Relena now!"   Duo looked over to Relena leaning over her brother and staring at her hands.

"Holy guacamole did she punch her brother?    She did it?   Not Heero?"   Disbelief showed on his face.   He made his way towards the princess as fast as he could through the gossiping company.

Wufei was now sitting on a Reindeer's back yelling about killing Trieze once and for all.    He then stabbed Rudolph with a wine bottle and fell off of his perch.  (The red nose must have been the resemblance)   Trowa sat throwing Wufei's empty glasses at a pin-up of Santa while eating salted peanuts by the handful.

Milliardo was being dragged out of the room while Duo was explaining to the guests that whole scene had been a play for their amusement, it's not like many of them were smart enough to figure out that was bull.    They started to compliment Relena on her great performance.    Some even slapped her on the back; despite the fact Heero was menacingly glaring at them and stayed close to her elbow.

In his unconscious state Milliardo was yelling to Heero about killing the enemy and compromising his little sister.    People started to clap at the convincing performance when Milliardo was finally dragged out of view by two of Relena's guards, who worked for Heero.

Heero growled about over zealous, protective, unconscious brothers and stepped over to the food table.    He walked in some of the punch that had not gone up in flames.    He started to grumble about stupid Christmas parties being dangerous to his health and stepped out of the liquid.    His slick foot tread on the marble floor and slipped up in the air.    He did a back flip and landed easily, he just knocked over Duo and Hilde.    A domino effect was created and soon half the people in the room were on the floor. 

Relena came up beside him at the foot of the group of fallen people.    In a bundle of flailing arms and limbs everyone was becoming more entangled in each other as they tried to get up off the hard floor.   Relena giggled at Duo who was embracing Hilde in the middle of the group of people.    Heero snarled about idiots doing things in public and stomped out of the ballroom.

Hurt and angry guests finally untangled themselves and started to leave.    They commented on the excitement of the Peacecraft Christmas Party and couldn't wait for next year.    Hilde and Duo were still kissing on the cold marble floor.    Trowa finally got finished throwing drinks at a cutout of Santa and went in search of the real one.    Dorothy accosted him in the middle of the hall and exchanged a few heated words with him before they went off together.

Sally tried to help an incredibly inebriated Wufei out of the room without him tripping over his four feet.    No, he wasn't still on the reindeer, nor did he get two legs stuck on him, or grow them because of the strong liquid he had swallowed.    He was seeing double,  which was good because there were now 2 Sally's for him to torment, insult and try to woo.    He stumbled on his own 2, sorry 4, feet and started to gag.    She got him to the bathroom just before he hurled all over the place.  

The male bathroom had been occupied by an old man with a bowel problem so she had to hustle him into the girls' one.   She had to push a little hussy in a bright red miny-dress out of the way to make sure he didn't puke on her new strappy heels, or should I say bare skin showing through the straps of her heels.    When his disorientated head came up a few minutes later he had a lot less alcohol in his system and was a bit more sober.    He looked at the sanitation can in the bathroom, screamed, and asked if he was in hell.   

Meanwhile Relena and Catherine were walking down the bedroom hallway.   From in a room came an ear piercing scream.    Followed by that came Quatre's voice asking where the heck his clothing was.   He ran out of a guestroom holding alarm clock strategically in a certain place.    He scuttled sideways down the hall to the door of his room.   As he groped for the handle of the door the alarm clock went off and Quatre forgot about his indecent exposure and bolted into his room.

From the guestroom came a horde of franticly beckoning females rampaging by the staring friends in search for the sobering Santa Claus.    Relena and Catherine stared after them and shook their heads, at least the fanatic girls were fully clothed.     The pack of females rampaged down the stairs and by a stunned Duo and Hilde.   One of them stepped on Duo's braid, tripped and pulled Duo down the stairs with the braid wrapped around her foot.

Duo used his braid like a rope and pulled himself across the moving floor to the female's foot.    Disentangling his precious braid from the high heel, he was finally set free in a tumbling action of loose arms and legs.    He rolled into the back of Wufei's legs and tripped the poor boy.    Wufei never saw what hit him, his stomach twirled on the way down to the floor.   In a few seconds flat he had his head in a potted cactus, vomiting.     Duo took one look at the chaos and ran back up the stairs to meet Hilde, who was almost tipping over the railing in laughter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Heero didn't want to think of the chaotic day he and his friends had gone through.   He figured that it would have been safer if he had tried to commit suicide that morning when his bad luck started.   But with the luck he was having he would probably really die this time, and he would rather live at this point in his life.

Opening the window in his room he sat on the edge and wondered if the 3-story fall would injure him in the least bit.   He figured at this mundane height he wouldn't even dislocate any joints.   Trowa ran by in the hallway with Dorothy on his heals squirting a fake flower lapel, he was promising something to the effect of never playing a trick on her again.    She took out a fencing foil and stabbed him in the heart; he screamed silently. (ß you know when you scream but no sound comes out.)    The sword collapsed like those little children toys and Dorothy walked away laughing like a maniac.   Everyone in a three-mile radius cringed.

Relena walked in Heero's room and gestured towards the hallway.   She accidentally knocked over a lap and caught it before it landed on the floor.   Again she gestured towards the hallway, narrowly missing the lamp this time.

"Why does Trowa have his hand over his heart?   He's just standing there looking blankly at the wall."

"Dorothy stabbed him."

Relena broke out laughing.   "I knew that fake foil would come in handy some day."   She proceeded to walk towards him until her foot caught on the edge of the carpet and she fell into his arms.

"Well something went my way this day."   Relena snuggled into his lap and started to drift off to sleep.   At that moment Duo ran by the room screaming at the top of his lungs, followed by Wufei welding a giant scythe.    Relena turned her head slightly and found her lips a fraction away from Heero's.   

It is not known which one of them moved, maybe both of them did, but their lips met in a tender kiss.    Duo opened the door, as unaware as the couple in the room as they were of him, slammed the door, and super-locked it.    He scuttled over and threw himself in the closet.    He then figured it would be the most obvious hiding place so he climbed out of Heero's sparse closet and dove under the bed.

He didn't have time to wonder where the bra under there had come from before he climbed out and looked for another hiding place.    He crouched behind the inattentive couple and watched while Wufei used his scythe to cut down the door.    Alarms started to go off, warning Wufei to step away from the door, yet Relena and Heero still didn't respond.

Automatic bullets from the wall shot at poor Wufei as he grumbled about Heero's new security system.    He spit at the lock keyboard and it started to short-circuit.     This automatically put a call into the fire department.    As sirens sounded in the distance, Wufei gave up trying to capture Duo; it wasn't worth the arrest.    Duo came out from his hiding place, only to have Heero grab him by the lapel of his evening jacket.

Was nothing sacred in this house?

Duo struggled to get out of the iron grip.   Heero instinctively took a step backwards as Duo tried to land a punch on his jaw.   He knocked Relena backward, and she tumbled through the open window.    Heero lunged and grabbed her, still holding on to poor Duo's jacket.    Duo's added and unaccounted weight threw Heero off balance and they all plummeted out the window and into the garden below.    

Heero twisted himself as they fell so he would take the brunt of the fall from Relena.    Duo was on his own, and while his friends landed safely in deep snow, he landed face down in a rosebush.     The fire department swung down the driveway and ran into the castle.    Soon water was streaming out of Heero's bedroom window and freezing on the three below.    Heero moaned about just cleaning his room that morning. 

Duo got up from the bush, mumbling that his face would scarred for life as he picked a few thorns off his nose.    He slipped on the now slick surface of the yard and slid onto the driveway.    The fire truck started to move towards him.    Relena cringed and closed her eyes, Heero made a heroic superman-like lunge, and someone screamed from the second floor.

Duo calmly got up and walked off the road and into the house.    Chaos ensued as the truck drove safely by. 

~*~*~*~*~

The 2nd last chapter is complete.   Stay tuned for the last installment (that I know of) coming out as soon as I write it.    Please review, (no use asking for you to read, you got this far didn't you?)   and check out my other stories.

1. Clinic's Therapy

2. The Preventor Grapevine

3. Must I Kill You?!?

4. Valentine's Day Showdown

Please visit my site http:///www.geocities.com/relenafanel you can submit a hilarious story or just check out the pages on it.    *whispers really loud* Go to my site. 


	9. Hangover Idiots & Screams Of Pain

Much to Relena's amusement, Heero is having a very unlucky day.    His inauspicious luck is wearing off on the other pilots.   Soon everyone is wishing this fiasco of a day would just come to an end.    From Santa to stripping, the fun just never stops.

This Is Not My Day 9

Hangover Idiots & Screams Of Pain 

It was Christmas morning and early arising is necessary for such a joyous occasion.    Quatre bounced out of bed and bound down the stairs yelling his excitement for Santa's visitation the night before.

Wait!    Back up!    This is not excitement seen on Quatre's face, but undisputed pain.    One would think this to be reasonable considering the state he was in the night before.    And drunken blondes are supposed to have more fun; fun was the last thing Quatre was having.

Talking about states, the poor young man had just noticed his state of dress, or more importantly his lack of any dress.    That's right my fangirl friends… Quatre was naked.     He couldn't make heads or tails of the situation he was in, and his pounding hangover didn't help much.

Christmas… Bah!   Humbug!

He fumbled his way down the long expanse of stairs before he reached the kitchen.    Thank God he had remembered to put on a pair of boxers because Wufei was sitting at the table nursing a migraine of his own.     They both sat down at the kitchen table and sulked in the dark while drinking cold, thick coffee from the pot.

Trowa turned on the light and blinked in the newly acquired brightness.    He didn't even dodging the badly aimed coffee cups thrown his way.    Without saying a word he flicked the switch off and headed over to pour himself some coffee.

"This isn't coffee, I think it may be *smells the pot* turkey grease."    He said matter-of-factly as he bent over to get a clean pot from the cupboard.    He watched with little interest as his friends made a mad dash for the toilet.

Wufei grabbed the coffee pot and regurgitated into it before accepting a glass of water from Trowa.    The three of them sat in the cold, dark kitchen while their friends awoke on this pleasant morning.    Duo shuffled into the kitchen and was assailed by voices telling him not to turn on the light.

"Santa??"    He enquired meekly.    He quickly turned on the light to see the jolly fat man.    Instead he saw the dark bags under his friends' menacingly glaring eyes.

"Man, you guys are a scary sight in the morning."

"If I could see and stand properly Maxwell, I would stuff your strangely shaped scythe slippers up your *censored*."

Duo shrugged as he turned down the brightness of the light and headed out onto the back porch.    His slippers were indeed little scythes and they let out a scream with every second step.

*PAD*

*SCREAM*

*PAD*

*SCREAM*

*PAD*

*SCREAM*

*PAD**PAD**PAD*    "AWW MAN!!   Who puked on the floor?"

Trowa muttered caterer under his breath and looked at a blushing Quatre.

*SCREAM*

*OPEN DOOR*

*NEWSPAPERS RUSTLING*

"Holy shit!"

*SNICKER* *GUFFAW* *BERSERK LAUGHTER*

*DOOR CLOSE*

*PAD*

*SCREAM*

*SNICKER*

*PAD*

*SCREA…*    "Shut up you dumb assed wacko!"

"Quatre… such language.   You sure have been a wild boy lately."   *CHORTLES*

"Huh?"

"You're public exhibit made the paper."

"Huh?"   Quatre started to wonder what he had done during those hours he had no memory of.

Duo gleefully hauled out the morning paper… all 10 of them, and shoved them in Quatre's face.

Cursing.

"Whoa… buddy!    I think you've been hanging around the maguanacs a bit too long.   No more privileges for you young man."

Wufei grabbed one of the papers from the table and looked at it.   "Hey!   I made it into the tabloids."    He pointed to a dark figure in the background.

"I don't think that's you."

"It's me.    That's my ponytail."

"I think that's a female.    It looks like it has breasts.    Unless of course there's something you aren't telling us Wu-man."

Trowa picked up the front page of another tabloid with the headlines, PEACECRAFT PARTY EXPOSED.   He started to laugh when he read the stripper was thought to be Heero Yuy.    His laughter stopped when one of the pictures clearly depicted a man with beak-like hair pouring something into the punch.    He quickly dunked the page in his coffee and stuffed the evidence of his prank into his mouth.

Duo looked at his friend who was calmly chewing the piece of newspaper.    "You know they recycle that shit from toilet paper nowadays."

Trowa was still masticating in disgust as Heero stomped into the kitchen, yanked out his gun, and shot the heck out of a carton of milk.    The carton started to leak like a sieve onto the white marble floor.

Wufei had passed out in pain from the sound of the gunshots, Quatre was clinging wildly to the ceiling light, and Trowa had accidentally swallowed the recycled newspaper.

The light fixture started to creak and Quatre tumbled to the floor.    A mayonnaise bottle tipped off the shelf and landed on his head, knocking the poor boy into a sweet oblivious sleep.    Was he ever going to be in pain when he awoke.

Heero growled at the two remaining pilots.    "When I find out who spiked that punch I'm going to shoot his large toe off and shove it up his nose.    I'm out for revenge now!    Not only was Relena's party a laughingstock, but the press woke her up by calling me at 5 in the morning."

"What was Relena doing in your room at 5 in the morning?"

Heero continued on with his menacing rant.    "I will find out who this moron was, and then he will be in pain, a lot of very painful pain."

Relena strode in the room, looked at Heero with his gun and the two unconscious guys, turned around and left.   "I don't even want to know what you did to piss Heero off, I just wanted to let you know we're opening presents now.

"Presents!"    Quatre jumped up and jovially ran after her.   The rest of them blinked and looked questionably at the boy who should be in pain right now.

It didn't take long for Duo to jump up and hurried after them.    He stepped in the spilled milk and his electronic slippers short-circuited.    He cried out in surprised pain as the electric shock flowed through his body.

"Don't cry over spilled milk."    Trowa said with a smirk, obviously thinking he was quite funny.    Duo glowered and continued into the presents' room.    His slippers now sloshed with distorted screams. 

*SQUISH*

*SCREaMESH*

*SPLATTER*

*QUACK*

Heero strode over the milk and took a swig.    He started to chew methodically on a bullet, and then swallowed.    Trowa backed very carefully out of the room, and then ran down the hall, pushing Duo into a potted cactus in his haste.

Heero spit the bullet out onto his palm and started to laugh diabolically.    Duo stood up with the cactus still stuck to his thigh and hair and started to hobble down the hall as quickly as he could.

He fell over cursing about potted plants in the winter and tried to pick himself out of the prickly mess.    Heero strode over, lifted him up, and kicked the cactus off.

"Hey thanks buddy.    I didn't think I'd ever free myself.    Wait, you want something don't you?    You never do anything nice for anyone but Relena unless you want something in return."

"Merry Christmas Duo."   Heero walked away chortling. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Merry Christmas everyone.   *Looks at calendar that says the date is June 17th,*    Uhhhhhh… have a great summer then.    Review my story please (no point asking you to read it… you got this far.)

Please tell me if you want me to continue to what they all got for Christmas.    As far as I'm concerned I can stop the story now, but I have some ideas in mind.

Please read my other stories:

Must I Kill You?!?  GW

The Preventor's Grapevine GW

Clinic's Therapy GW

Everything I Do GW

I'm Not In Love With Heero Yuy!  GW

Valentine's Day Showdown GW

Shadow Man; The Dawn CCS

Clow Tablets CCS

Whoaaaaa… this list just keeps growing.    When I starting writing this story it was just this.    *Starts jumping for joy and patting herself on the back.*

My site is a href="http://www.geocities.com/relenafanel/" That's Gundam Hilarious/A Please visit.


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